My Journey from Burnout to Breakthrouth
This is the full story of the content on this site’s landing page. If you haven’t seen it – read it here first. I share it to inspire you that true healing really is possible.
I didn’t know why I couldn’t sleep. The PTSD I experienced after the fire, particularly the insomnia, was especially severe due to early trauma I’d blocked out until my late twenties.
As a teen and young adult, when I tried to go to bed, I would often get panic attacks. I’d run outside and walk around the streets of London for hours trying to get the adrenaline out of my system.
One night, when I knew someone had been murdered a few blocks away, I remember thinking ‘This isn’t logical – you’re safer in bed.’ But I didn’t feel safe.
Walking the streets at night, I was mugged and attacked three times. I was tired of making police reports. I was tired of not feeling safe.
And then one day, aged 27, a memory surfaced. In the memory, I was very small. It was during the night. A friend of my parents entered my bedroom and molested me. Shortly afterwards, another memory came back. This time I was 7. It was the morning after I’d been raped.
My parents hadn’t known that one of their friends was a pedophile.
As an adult, I came to understand that I hadn’t realize these terrifying ordeals only happened when that man stayed in the house. To my child’s mind, I thought they could happen any night. And to my undeveloped brain, if this scary thing was going to happen in my bed, I was going to make sure I was awake and alert for it.
So at a very young age, I had trained myself not to sleep.
After these revelations, I had some therapy, calmed my nervous system and developed good sleep hygiene. And for many years, I slept quite well. If I was going through a stressful time, I wasn’t the best sleeper but I told myself this was normal. Most of the time, I was okay.
After the fire, all that changed. It was such a shock having my life threatened and losing my home that once again, I felt unsafe. My nemesis Insomnia returned and nights became ordeals.
Because I’d lost everything (we’d been underinsured) and I had just gone through a divorce, I didn’t have financial reserves to take much time off work. I needed to recover fast.
I knew that ‘Neurons that fire together, wire together’ (Hobbs). This means that if you experience a frightening situation, particularly one that happens over and over, your brain will remember the circumstances around it in an attempt to warn you when those same circumstances happen again. It learns to trigger the same neural connections by fusing those things together.
The fire had triggered my early life trauma of not feeling safe in bed. The neurons that were firing together were SLEEP = UNSAFE.
And in an attempt to protect me, my brain was trying to stay vigilant and alert all the time.
But understanding this intellectually didn’t change it.
I had to find a technique that could intercept the neurons firing response and create a new circuit.
Through my tenacious research and soul’s guidance, I found it. And after experiencing it, I got trained and certified to an advanced level so I could help others.
I was still exhausted, but once I could sleep again, over time I was able to apply energy practices and other techniques to rebuild myself and my life.
An intrinsic part of my healing journey was soul integration. I had to get to know the fragmented parts of myself that had felt shattered during those early traumatic experiences and love them. I had to bring into conscious awareness the beliefs I’d created to survive in that environment, realize they were no longer serving me and let them go.
How It Created a New Challenge
Years later, I learnt the early sexual trauma had created a different challenge.
For over a decade before the fire, I’d experienced pain in my abdomen for one to two weeks of every month. At times, it was so acute, I couldn’t move. Shortly before the fire, an investigative scan revealed a tennis ball size fibroid on the top of my uterus. The surgeon advised me to leave it, saying it was too risky to remove.
I could never say what caused another woman’s fibroid – these things are deeply personal. But for me, it was my body’s response to those early sexual assaults. It felt like a physical ball that held years of fear, grief and emotional pain. I wanted it gone.
I found a different surgeon and scheduled a consult. That meeting changed my life.
The nurse didn’t think the pain was caused by the fibroid but something called endometriosis. She said the only way to find out was through surgery. This surgeon knew how to safely remove the fibroid, as well as any endometriosis, and keep my organs intact.
She was right. Surgery showed I had it, as well as the more challenging adenomyosis. But a few weeks before the surgery was the fire. I barely registered the diagnosis and didn’t have the bandwidth to do research or make any lifestyle changes. I’d just lost my home.
The ensuing PTSD following the wildfire exacerbated the old symptoms and, months later, I found myself in pain. I asked if my surgeon would see me. He did and we scheduled a second surgery.
This time, I read every scientific journal and book I could find on the condition. It’s possible we’re born with it and many women have it who have never experienced sexual assault. Again, I couldn’t comment on another’s experience but for me, I felt the early trauma contributed to its development. As with most disease, inflammation played a huge role, and the root cause of inflammation is acute stress.
The condition has been my greatest teacher.
I used to be addicted to adrenaline because releasing it made me feel alive. I was a Type-A who did four things at once and wore my badge of business as if it was an accolade.
Once I’d connected flair ups with stress of any kind, that changed.
I knew the pain was my body’s way of teaching me something. It was showing me how to live.
I made big changes. The person I was completely changed in the process.
I no longer rush from thing to thing. I no longer confuse excitement with adrenaline.
Most of the time I feel a deep sense of peace. I got the endometriosis in remission and I’m mostly pain free.
Despite practicing energy healing, I have no problem with surgery. Your body has created an illness and you can manifest its treatment in a variety of ways. You’ll always need to address underlying causes and make changes but be gentle with yourself as you go.
We’re all learning and growing and the greatest gift we can give ourselves, and anyone else, is compassion.
The Power of Love
In fact, one of the health condition’s greatest lessons has been learning self-compassion.
I used to be so hard on myself and so critical. One day, soon after the fire and surgery, all that changed.
My clothes had been destroyed in the fire so I’d gone to Nordstrom to buy new ones. I was just about to enter the changing room when I stopped.
Ever since I was fourteen, whenever I’d been in changing rooms under fluorescent lights, staring in the mirror I’d always found fault with some part of my body. As if criticizing myself would somehow mold me closer to perfection, which would make me lovable.
But this day was different. My post-surgery abdomen was badly bruised, covered in band-aids and swollen so that it stuck out five inches.
Could I be kind to myself instead?
I made a new pact. ‘We’re not going there. You’ve been through surgery. A divorce. Your house burnt down. We’re not going there.’
I went inside and looked at the imperfect, bandaged, scared human staring back.
I’d always felt I had value due to my accomplishments. I’d found it easier to be loving towards myself when I looked nice.
In that moment, I finally learnt to love myself for who I was. Not because of anything I’d achieved or owned. Not for having anything to be proud of because I had nothing. I learnt to love myself because I exist. I was still here, and I deserved love.
I call my brand BeLovingYou® in honor of that moment. Because life feels a whole lot lighter when you love and value yourself not for what you’ve achieved, how you look or what you own but for who you are.
What Are You Doing with Your Life?
When I’d recovered, it occurred to me that I’d nearly died that day of the wildfire but I was still here.
I wondered what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I knew the answer lay in bringing all of who I am to my work. I had always kept executive and entrepreneur coaching separate from teaching mediation, yoga and energy work. So I opened up with my corporate clients about the full range of tools I could bring and how I use my skills as a former classically trained singer to give sound baths.
My integrity paid off. I discovered my range of skills to support employee Wellness and mental health in the workplace were highly valued in both coaching and training programs. The HR manager of a Credit Union who’d hired me for group coaching learnt about my background and invited me to lead a workshop teaching energy practices, yoga and meditation and finishing with a sound bath. And that inspired me to offer half and full day trainings to corporations that incorporate these practices alongside coaching protocols.
Clients told me they wanted to work with me because I could bring a spiritual dimension to our sessions and I sleep soundly, knowing I am sharing all of who I am and doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing :)
Recently, I’ve wanted to share my work with more people and wondered why I’ve never used social media.
At the time of writing (Nov. 2024), I don’t have YouTube or an Instagram account and rarely use Facebook. I work through referrals and, though I love doing that, I’d like to connect with more people.
I noticed a block. Because I use the same illuminating protocols on myself that I use with clients, I sat down to process it. Within minutes, I’d uncovered the reason.
Once again, it had its roots in my early life. When I was fourteen in England, I’d moved schools and been badly bullied as the new girl. The way I’d survived was to make myself as invisible as possible so that I blended in. I’d created a belief that if I was invisible, I was safe. And that belief, unconscious, was still driving me.
As with all the beliefs we pick up along the way that don’t belong to us or serve us, once revealed, I could see it for what it was: Something that no longer had any relevance to my life. With the programming uncovered, I could changed it, and I’m looking forward to teaching workshops and sharing meditations and tools online.
The Greater the Darkness, the Greater the Light
I never think about these events now. I’m a completely different person. The soul draws lessons for its growth and I’m grateful for the journey because it’s made me who I am. I’ll probably always be more sensitive than other people but I’ve learnt to honor that and it makes me good at what I do. Sometimes the more we have experienced the darkness, the greater our appreciation of the light.
In Bali in 2024, a new acupuncturist read my pulse and said – “Do you meditate? People who have long standing meditation practices have very deep pulses like you.”
Someone recently said I looked like I’d never had a day’s tension in my life and had spent every night sleeping with a humidifier.
And to both I say – GREAT! True healing really is possible.
If you want tools and meditations to uncover unconscious beliefs, clear blocks, sleep soundly and reset your nervous system, sign-up for my newsletter and follow me on social. If you’re interested in working together, apply for a consult. If that’s you, be willing to dive deep.
We are living in extraordinary times. It’s time to start living an extraordinary life.
To your health,
Millie x